The Fat Lady's Revenge
by PenonPaperFingersonKeys
Summary: I was never noticed. Just yelled at and made fun of. Well I'll show them. It's time to get my revenge.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

I was never noticed by anyone. Even my singing skills weren't praised. I was only noticed when I they had to enter the common room. Some of them demanded to be let in at one o'clock in the morning! When I didn't let them in they got angry. Of course I couldn't leave them there. It was my job as the guard to the Gryffindor Common Room to let in anyone that had the password. Not counting _my_ feelings of course.

Well I'll show those pesky children that demanded to be let in. I have dirt on everyone! The four founders, the marauders, the golden trio, the Weasly twins, Dumbledore even Minerva McGonagall!

Teach them to try to barge into the common room. I'll get them back good...


	2. Godric Gryffindor

**Godric Gryffindor**

Godric was very good looking back in the days. He was smart and handsome a fine catch. When he founded the school with Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin he was engaged to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw was engaged to Slytherin. But one night changed my whole prospective of those relationships...

Godric was pacing in front of me and had a slight frown on his face. "Where is she? Where is she?" He muttered.

"Keep it down young man." I snapped at him. He glared at me and kept pacing and muttering like a mad man. I still think he was slightly insane.

"Where is my lady?" He muttered again. Now this 'lady' I assumed to be Helga Hufflepuff. They were engaged. Nothing prepared me for when Rowena Ravenclaw strode down to Godric and kissed him passionately.

I spluttered which caught the attention of the couple.

"Not a word" Warned Godric. He said the password and I granted them access still dumb shocked. Who knew the founders were having an affair?

I did.


	3. Rowena Ravenclaw

**Rowena Ravenclaw**

I had always thought that Rowena Ravenclaw was the most self assured and smartest woman alive. She was certainly confident enough to be. But one day several weeks after I found out about her and Godrics love affair changed my mind.

She was sitting outside of the common room waiting for Gryffindor. A lion patronus burst down the hall way. "I've been held up with Helga. Please wait for me dear." Gryffindors loud voice came from the lion. Typical show off. Only show offs have lion patronuses. Mine was a duck.

Ravenclaw sighed and pulled out her paper work. I could hear her murmuring to herself from over here. "So eight students are coming to Hogwarts this year. We will put them equally into each house." She frowned then turned to me.

"My dear Lady, what is eight divide four?"


	4. Salazar Slytherin

**Salazar Slytherin**

Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor s hate was common news. Everyone knew they despised each other. Well then. Everyone was wrong.

Godric Gryffindor paced in front of me frowning at the floor. "Where is my Lord? Where is my Lord."

It hit me with an odd sense of Déjà vu when Slytherin walked over to Gryffindor and passionately kissed him.

I gasped and their attention was averted to me. "Not a word." Warned Gryffindor.

After that I could positively say that Godric Gryffindor got around a lot.


	5. Helga Hufflepuff

**Helga Hufflepuff**

Days before word had got out about Godrics love affairs (Salazar and Rowena). Gryffindor was hiding in his quarters (behind me) cowering in fear. It was probably because of Rowena. She was a very intimidating woman. Or Salazar; he could hurt Gryffindor in any way he pleased. I had not once suspected that Helga could be the source of Gryffindors fear. I mean I thought that Helga would cry but then get over it. She was always a meek, shy push over girl. No...My image of her changed dramatically the night that she came marching up to my portrait...

It was a calm night and I was dozing off as I heard the click clack and patter of feet. Helga appeared before me, hair messy eyes wild. "Where's that piece of scum?!" She spat.

"Godric?" I answered lazily. "He's in here. Sorry dear, but I can't let you in."

She pulled out her wand. "LET ME IN!" She screamed. I heard Gryfindors yelp of fear from the inside.

Hufflepuff took a step closer wand pointed at my canvas. "Alright! Alright!" I cried and threw my hands up in surrender. I opened for her.

That night all I heard were the yells of Godric Gryffindor and the furious screams of Helga Hufflepuff.


	6. Albus Dumbledore

**Albus Dumbledore**

Albus was a fine young man who considered everyone his equal. Everyone thought the best of him. Everyone thought he was just adorable. I didn't. He was as bad as any Slytherin just quieter about it. And he was defiantly not the greatest wizard of all time...

It was three in the morning when I was interrupted from my sleep by that Dumbledore kid. He was a bit of a reject. No friends, no hope of having any friends. "Let me in! That squibs following me!" He shouted.

The groundskeeper was a squib so I ignored him. Grous Filch was a god friend of mine. He polished my frame every once in a while.

"Bloody hell!" The boy yelled. "Uh..what's the password...?"

Greatest wizard of all time by big behind.

The password was Gryffindor.


	7. James Potter

**James Potter**

James and Lily Evans had been going out for a month. James was said to be loyal but on top of things. He would never let a woman get the best of him he used to say. Oh, he was a strong leader, never letting anyone boss him around. He wasn't sappy at all...

"James!" James Potter spun around to see his furious girlfriend, Lily Evans, charging down to him. James winced.

"Lily, dear?" He said grinning at her sheepishly. "Don't you Lily, dear me Potter!" She screamed back. James cowered.

"PLEASE DON"T HURT ME!" He screamed sounding very girlish.

"Oh I'll hurt you! How could you hex that poor kid? He was a second year! He didn't mean to hurt you!" Lily screamed.

"Look Lily, I love children and I love you. But I had a reputation to maintain. But I cried afterwards. He was so sweet and innocent. Like our babies will be like." James said and pecked Lily on the cheek.

Lily gasped and pulled away. "Isn't it a bit early for that sort of thing?" She asked.

"It isn't too early. I love you Lils. With all my heart and soul."

"I love you too James."

Yes. James Potter was the manliest of men.


	8. Sirius Black

**Sirius Black**

Sirius was a ladies' man. He never let a woman rule over him. No way. He was strong and confident, even more so then James (as you saw from that despicable lack of spine he has when coming from Lily Evans)! He had one serious girlfriend, Dorcas Meadows, who he broke up with a month later. Apparently he said it nicely and she cried at his feet begging him to rethink it. I can tell you a different story though...

Sirius and Dorcas had just finished their date and were kissing each other when Dorcas looked pulled away from Sirius.

Sirius pouted. "Dorcas..." He whined going in for another kiss. Dorcas frowned at him. Sirius stopped immediantly.

"Sirius, this is all wrong. We can't go on like this. I love you but you're too much of a flirt. I want a serious relationship." Sirius gaped at Dorcas.

"I can change!" He cried. "Please!" Tears dripped down his face and Dorcas wiped them off. "I love you!"

"I'm sorry Sirius," Dorcas kissed him one more time and walked away.

Sirius sobbed and ran off.


	9. Peter Pettigrew

**Peter Pettigrew**

Peter was weak. A small, tiny boy with no spine at all. He was horrible when standing up to others. No one knew he would betray everyone and be a traitor. I had a suspicion though...

"Pettigrew! Hello Fat Lady." I sniffed at Minerva's remark about _me_ being _fat_. The nerve.

Peter turned around and smiled at Minerva making her lose that edge in her step at his show of confidence. "Minne?" He asked.

Minerva blanched. Nervous Pettigrew she could handle but not confident Peter. She growled at him and then, unexpectedly, Peter kneed her in the stomach. She fell to the floor with a gasp as I screamed. Peter obliviated her and me but he must have forgotten that I was a portrait and cannot be obliviated the stupid boy.

He was still the dumbest boy in the grade but I knew better than to alert him to the fact that I remembered that night.


	10. Remus Lupin

**Remus Lupin**

Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were best friends. Several weeks after Black broke up with Dorcas Meadows I heard a conversation between them that made me think they were more than friends...

"Sirius! I have to tell you something!" Remus cried running to Sirius. Sirius spun around and cocked an eyebrow. "Yes?"

Remus stopped panting in front of him. "I...I love you Sirius. Please...Do you love me?" Remus asked holding Sirius' hands. Sirius rested his head against Remus' chest.

"Of course I do." He answered with a sigh. They kissed and hugged again. They forgot me of course. Thought I'd never tell anyone. They found out in a week that I was there. And they never forgot it.

And I thought Godric and Salazar were the last ones.


	11. Lily Evans

**Lily Evans**

Now there was one boy I considered to be as flirty as Gryffindor. That boy was Sirius Black. After everyone found out he and Remus were together Sirius decided he didn't like being gay. Lily Evans supported him and they became friends of such. When James and Lily got together Sirius was pleased. One night after Remus and Sirius broke up I realized that Sirius was pleased for a different reason...

It was very dark and a couple were walking towards me. I couldn't see their faces properly though.

"Lumos." Whispered one of them. Sirius Black and Lily Evans were the two.

Sirius and Lily held hands and then kissed. I gasped; Lily was with James and Sirius was a faithful friend! Apparently not!

Sirius and Lily ignored me though. "We can't keep doing this Sirius. I can't break James heart." Lily whispered. Tears poured down her cheeks.

Sirius sighed. "You're right. Love you Lils."

"Love you too Siri."

"Good night."

"Sleep tight."

"Don't let the bed bugs bight."

The kissed once more and separated; Sirius to the common room and Lily to the Heads Dorms. I still think of the marauders and Lily and wonder how such good people could have their lives ruined so horribly. I know they had their faults but so does everyone. They were loyal and brave and good hearted.

They were Gryffindors.

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**Ok. The last chapter was for a reviewer. I'm sorry ****deisegirl**** but I had to break up Remus and Sirius for this chapter. And by the way, I don't usually write slash so that's why the last chapter was pretty horrible. This chapters the ending of the marauders era part and the next will be the golden trio and others from that age. Please make requests if you want a chappie of a couple/character up. **


	12. Ron Weasly

**Ron Weasly**

There was always Ron and Harry. They were the bestest of best friends. But then again we can all have our theories...

Ron Weasly was in his seventh year at Hogwarts. The war was over and done with and Voldemort was dead. Good riddance.

Ron had forgotten the password and was sitting in front of me waiting for someone to come along with the password.

In his defence the password was very complicated as it was 'The Boy Who Lived'.

In his boredom he started to talk to me.

"You know before Harry killed Voldemort I thought something was going on between them, if you know what I mean." He started off chuckling slightly.

"No I'm sorry I don't know what you mean." I said.

"Well I thought they were going out."

Maybe the boy was on to something...


	13. Harry Potter

**Harry Potter**

After my conversation with Weasly I started to get suspicious of Harry. Maybe, just maybe, that boy was on to something. Luck struck me and my curiosity was satisfied one night when Harry was hiding from fan girls waiting inside the portrait for him...

I was rudely pushed open then shut again. As my eyes adjusted after the burst of sudden light I saw it was Harry Potter gasping.

"Please, fan girls inside hide here not let open?" He asked. I glared at him.

"Stop speaking gibberish man!" I yelled. He took a deep breath. "The fan girls are chasing me he explained. Please can you keep the portrait shut?" I nodded feeling sorry for the poor boy.

He sighed and sat down in front of me. "It's no use. I've told them over and over I've only ever had one love. Everyone suspects that its Ginny or Hermione but it's not," He sighed again and pulled a photo out of his pocket.

As I looked closer I gasped. "Is that you Mr Potter and Voldemort wearing bikinis in Australia?" Harry nodded and his eye took on a glazed look as he reminisced.

"Just before my Sixth Year," He sighed again. "I wish I didn't have had to kill him. I made him go to a therapist but it just didn't work. He just kept killing," Harry kissed the photo and tucked it back into his pocket.

"Thanks Fat Lady," He said as he ran off down the hall.

Well that was...interesting.


	14. Hermione Granger

**Hermione Granger**

Hermione was sensible. She never let anything drag her down. Especially not men. Especially not Evil Wizards who killed her best friends parents...

"Harry!" Hermione called and ran up to Harry who was walking towards the common room. He spun around and glared at Hermione.

"Yes?" He asked coldly. Hermione glared back at him.

"It's not my fault we both like the same evil, dark wizard okay? Voldemort and I had a connection!" She yelled.

"Did you go to Australia on summer vacations with him? That's a connection," Harry said.

"Look Harry you just can't like a guy who killed your parents. It's just wrong," Hermione retorted angrily.

"You just want an excuse!" Harry accused Hermione pointing a finger at her.

"Look Harry, Voldemort is dead," Said Hermione as a tear trickled down her cheek. "Do you...DO you want me to do your nails?" She asked holding out her arms. Harry hugged her back. They walked into the common room and I heard snippets of their conversations.

"We can do your hair too!"

"And high light it?"

"Yep. Let's get Draco. He'll enjoy this. We'll have so much fun! Remember last time?"

I would rather not think about last time.


	15. Fred Weasly

**Fred Weasly**

Fred and George Weasly were the most well known pranksters. They were nearly known as much as the Marauders. Not one soul thought that they would be made Prefect and they weren't to the 'delight' of the twins...

A dejected figure walked towards the common room slouched over. I heard the mournful sigh and recognised Fred Weasly. Even though he was a prankster he was still a dear little boy.

"I wasn't made Prefect." He muttered.

I started with shock. FRED WEASLY PREFECT! Chaos would rein through the halls of Hogwarts like fire.

But since I was a kind considerate and nosy person I asked, "Why are you upset about that?"

He frowned at me. "Just because I'm a prankster doesn't mean I can't be a goody-goody-two shoes."

I watched him walk into the common room.

I'm afraid dear, I thought, that if you're a prankster then you cannot be a Prefect.


	16. George Weasly

**George Weasly**

The Twins were confident. They had any of the girls they wanted at the snap of their fingertips. They were as much of a player as Sirius Black. George was the worse though. Girls could never bring him down...

George stood still, stunned, as a mane of silvery hair flew past him.

"Fleur!" He yelled. She turned around and smiled widely at him.

"'Ello! Yes?" She said twirling a piece of hair.

"Ugh...Wouldyouliketogototheyuleballwithme?" George murmured.

"Padon me?" Fleur said frowning at George.

"Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me," he stuttered.

She glanced at him, sniffed and turned away but not before saying, "No."

He had all the girls.


	17. Neville Longbottom

**Neville Longbottom**

Neville was a sweet boy, one of the only ones I have to really dig at to get dirt on. But eventually this memory came to mind...

Neville was sitting on the ground. I sighed. This wasn't the first time –and certainly not the last- that Neville had forgotten the password for the common room. I, being a respectable lady that never told secrets or let in people that didn't have the password, had, once again, refused Neville's pleas to be let in.

Neville got up from the ground and jumped around. "Please," He pleaded. "Please let me in! I need to go to the toilet and the next toilet is ages away from here."

I sniffed and ignored him. There was a groan from his end and as I studied him I saw a trickle of yellow liquid trail down his leg.

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_I almost forgot about this story so sorry. Any suggestions on characters?_


	18. Luna Lovegood

**Luna Lovegood**

Luna was teased. She never had a boyfriend until she met that Rolf person. He was as weird as her. Yes she never even kissed a boy until she was twenty...

"Neville," whispered Luna.

"Yes?" Neville said back.

The two were standing in front of me. Just standing there. Doing nothing. Nothing prepared me for when Luna pounced on Neville and kissed him.

He gasped in shock. "Luna!"

She giggled at him. "I don't believe in anything that I say. And...there is no such thing as a Nargle."

And then Neville promptly fainted in shock.

She was a strange one.

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_Golly gosh, I'm running out of ideas. Any suggestions? _


	19. Percy Weasly

**Percy Weasly**

Percy Weasly was a tight...bum. He stuck to the rules like super glue and never stepped one toe out of line...

"And I will always love you.  
I will always love you.  
I will always love you.  
I will always love you.  
I will always love you.  
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.  
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you." I cleared my throaght as the voice got louder breaking into 'I Touch Myself'.

"I love myself; I want you to love me  
When I feel down; I want you above me  
I search myself; I want you to find me  
I forget myself; I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you I touch myself  
Ooh I don't want anybody else Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come runnin'  
You're the sun who makes me shine  
When you're around I'm always laughin'  
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes and see you before me  
Think I would die if you were to ignore me  
A fool could see just how much I adore you  
I'd get down on my knees; I'd do anything for you

I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you I touch myself  
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else  
oh no oh on oh no yeah

I love myself; I want you to love me  
When I feel down; I want you above me  
I search myself; I want you to find me  
I forget myself; I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you I touch myself  
ahh ohh i don't want anybody else  
oh no oh no oh no

I want you  
I don't want anybody else  
and when i think about you; i touch myself  
ooh ooOoh ooOoh aaaaahhhh

I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you I touch myself  
Ooh I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you I touch myself

I touch myself  
I touch myself  
I touch myself  
I touch myself  
I touch myself  
I touch myself

I honestly do  
I touch myself  
I touch myselffffffffffff!"

"See here," I cried. "It is far after curfew."

And then to my utter shock Percy Weasly came into view. It was a very drunk Percy Weasly. He slurred the password and I let him in more than willingly. I heard his muttered curses as he tripped into the room.

He followed every rule.

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_I just loved the 'I Touch Myself' part. Makes you wonder what he does at night… *notthinkingdirtythoughts*_

_Suggestions? Next chapter: Angelina Johnson. _


	20. Angelina Johnson

**Angelina Johnson**

Angelina was brave and fearless. She had to be as she was on the Quidditch tean with Oliver wood as her captain for most of her school career. Oh yes, she never cowered in fear at anything...

It was late at night and the halls were empty. It was dark and cold and the candles were out. (Making it dark. Duh.)

I was gently pushed open. Now for all you actual beings out there it is a very peculiar sensation when you're sleeping and then you're woken up as you swing forward.

I heard a squeak but the person remained mysterious as I still couldn't see the person who had disturbed me from my peaceful slumber.

And then the fearless Angelina Johnson came into view holding a candle.

And I, being the kind hearted caring person I am, made a noise resembling that of a ghost. "Boooooooo...."

Angelina screamed and ran back inside the common room.

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_Hello! Another chapter. I have heaps of characters lined up but I have no ideas for them. So, when you review (pretty please review) can you submit a name and an idea. If you want. Or just a name or praise or whatever but I'm having a serious mental block. And on the subject of reviews I have over FIFTY reviews for this story. Your probably thinking Yeah, so? But this is a big thing to me. Oh my gosh this is the longest authors note for this story so far. Wow...AND I'm sorry for the delay FF was a bit mucked up when I tried then my computer went spaz._


	21. Draco Malfoy

**Draco Malfoy**

Draco Malfoy came from one of the greatest pureblood families in the world. They never touched tainted blood. Mudbloods were bad but Blood Traitors were worse...

I was watching the corridor and to my surprise Draco Malfoy came into view. The little rat.

He looked at me and then away again. As if he was...Hmmm the word was on the tip of my tongue. Damn, I lost it again.

I was swung open with surprising force and out stormed Ron Weasly.

"Ronnie!" Malfoy squealed. Ron and Malfoy embraced and kissed. I watched my mouth wide.

"Oh I'm so sorry Draco," Ron sighed. "I thought I loved Harry but," he stifled a sob, "He was cheating on me with Voldemort!"

Draco sighed and patted his head. "You poor thing. My heart was broken by Harry once," I wondered what had happened there, "and it is not something I wish to relive."

"Damn those gorgeous green eyes," Ron said. "He's just too good looking."

They walked off hand in hand discussing what colour nail polish they were going to use.

Why does Gryffindor have an amazing amount of gays? But then again, I wasn't the portrait in front of Hufflepuff...

But guess what. I think Malfoy looked...embarrassed.

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_This is one of the most randomest ones. Apart from Harry and the photo. I'm kind of disappointed in this one. Reviews would make me feel better..._


	22. Oliver Wood

**Oliver Wood**

Oliver was an obsessed Quidditch player. No woman would get in his way. Minerva McGonagall was exactly the same...

Minerva stood impatiently in front of me not bothering to come in. It was late at night the time of night I noticed young lovers come out...I shook off the thought. Minerva was not young and did not have a lover.

I pretended to snooze and then I was lightly pushed open.

"You said you wanted to see me?" The boy that I knew as Oliver Wood questioned.

Minerva clutched his shirt and brought him down for a kiss. She stifled a sigh. "You don't know how long I've waited for that," she said.

Wood grinned. "I think I do," he whispered and they kissed again.

I was gagging trying not to throw up at this disgusting scene. Minerva dragged Wood off to her quarters eagerly and I tried to gain control of my stomach.

What is it with Hogwarts and their weird relationships? And Gryffindor! Why wasn't I put to guard a normal house?

I sighed and tried not to fall asleep knowing I'd have nightmares.

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_**This is one of my favourites. Disgusting? Yes. Is it weird? Yes. I hope it works. I was giggling through it, but I have a sick, weird mind. **_


	23. Fleur Decleur

**Fleur Decleur **

Fleur was a natural beauty. How could she not be, her being a part Veela...

I was moved to the Ravenclaw rooms shortly after I requested to be. It was actually convenient because the question thingy was broken. But it was good; I am scarred by all those gay Gryffindors.

Fleur Decleur was staying in the Ravenclaw tower for a reason I wasn't bothered to find out about. It was all those nerds ever talked about apart from their books. I'm starting to feel homesick. At least the Gryffindors knew how to have a laugh.

I will no cry, I will not cry, I will not cry. Oh damn it. WAAAAHHHH!!!! WAAAHHHHH!!!!

What's that noise? I looked around and saw the celebrity walking up to me.

"Hello," she said in her accented voice. "Ugh, could you look away?"

I turned away and waited for a moment before turning back to see Fleur adjusting a wig and putting make up on.

I turned away again before she saw me looking. Then looking back I saw her put on that muggle pimple cream.

Hah, natural beauty. At least the Gryffindors are real people.

Leave me alone, I need to have a little cry.

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This is a really horrible chapter. Gosh, it's worse then horrible. The whole things messed up. Oh well. Sorry about the delay in writing but I've been on holidays and with my Aunt and Uncle.


	24. Cho Chang

**Cho Chang**

After Cedric's death Cho was always sad. She loved him with all of her heart and he was the 'One' for her. It was such a shame that he died. They were the perfect couple, never fought, cheated or anything...

I was still in front of the Ravenclaws common room. How I missed the Gryffindors!

Cho Chang was standing there facing away. She must have forgotten I could talk because she didn't even say hello. So I said it, "Hello, Miss Chang."

The girl turned around to face me. "What?" She asked rudely. I 'hmphed' and glared at her. The girl ignored me and turned back to watch the corridors.

Then Cedric appeared. He seemed guilty. "Look Cho, I don't want to make Harry jealous any more. I'm sorry, I know that being in a realationship with Harry will make you famous but I can't do this!" Cedric turned away.

Cho aimed her wand at him and hexed him. He fell to the floor, stunned. She bent over him and whispered into his ear, "Oh no my dear, I will make Harry love me. And soon you will die, I can promise you that." She sat on the floor next to him and cackled madly. I ran away to the next portrait.

I am moving away from the Ravenclaw common room, if its the last thing I do. And it probably will be! I saw Cho moving along the corridors shouting, "Oh Fat Lady! Come out, wherever you are!"

Squeak!

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I hope this is better than the last chapter! =D

Also, on another note (shameless self promoting), if you like this story why don't you check out the Sorting Hat's Stories? I will be continuing both.


	25. Pansy Parkinson

**Pansy Parkinson**

Pansy was a henchman. She followed Draco, listened to his every word. They started going out and when she knew how Draco had been cheating on her with Harry, Hermione and Ron she did nothing. Pansy did whatever her parents wanted and getting her together with Draco was a main priority for her parents. So Pansy let Draco do whatever he wanted and when he came running back to her she let him…

I was now the password for Slytherin. I was egged, pranked and tortured by those disgusting little brats. No wonder their old portrait quit. Gryffindors passed me glaring. Neville had been to talk to me and was beaten up by the Slytherins, giving me a hurt look before running away.

Ginny Weasly had tried to rip me up screaming at me how I defied the honor of Gryffindor.

How dare she try to rip me up! But I did deserve it. How could I have guarded the Slytherins? To make it to the Gryffindors I let a few of them in to redecorate the Slytherin common room. The head master asked if I had any knowledge of this and I replied 'no'.

One of the few good things about that dreadful time guarding the Slytherin portrait was the black mail. Pansy was quite an interesting girl I realized.

It was in the middle of the day and the Slytherins were supposed to be in class but two weren't. Draco and Pansy were having a heated argument in front of me.

"Draco," Pansy started. Draco cut her off. "Address me by my proper title, woman," he commanded her.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Of course, Master Sex God."

Draco lifted his chin. "Yes, lowly slave?"

Pansy's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Excuse me?" She asked. "Slave, what do you want?" Draco said looking at his nails. He had obviously missed the warning signs.

Pansy slapped Draco. "I am not a Slave!" She screeched. Draco looked at her with shock. "But..."

"Shut the hell up you stupid ferret. And by the way Potter is so much better in bed that you," Pansy stalked off leaving a stunned Draco behind.

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Sorry for the wait. Here's Pansy Parkinson. Any suggestions, I'm desperate?


	26. Vincent Crabbe

**A/N: Is anyone willing to Beta for me?**

**Vincent Crabbe**

Crabbe was dumb. He was the dumber out of dumb and dumber ( and Goyle was the dumb). This, everyone knew and no one denied it. Well, there was a different side to him...

Crabbe and Goyle were standing in front of me grunting at each other.

"Eugh."

"Urgh."

"Eugh?"

"Urgh!"

"Eugh, eugh eugh eugh."

"Urgh?!"

"Eugh."

This last grunt was followed with head nods. What were they saying? Goyle nodded and strode off down the corridor leaving Crabbe behind. Crabbe grunted at him one last time and I heard the thunder of Goyles laughter in return.

As the last of Goyle disappeared Crabbe sighed and sunk to the ground. "God, I hate hanging around those idiots," he began. I started surprised at the fact he could speak but let him continue.

"I only associate with them because of my father's wishes. Really, I want to hang out with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. They seem smart and decent unlike that stupid Malfoy boy. Horrible he is," Crabbe said, speaking so...poshly, that I couldn't even move! "And don't get me started on Goyle! He can't even read!"

Crabbe sighed and opened up the portrait door. "It's so good talking to someone who can read. And remember," he dropped his voice to a whisper. "Keep this between you and me, okay?"

He entered the common room and I was so stunned by the fact he could compose a full sentence that I conveniently _forgot_ the password when Malfoy came by.


	27. Severus Snape

**Severus Snape**

Severus Snape had always despised his father. He hated him because of the man himself and his blood. He hated him because of his disgusting verbal and physical abuse he was treated to over the summers in his teenage years, hated him more when he mocked Lily one day. People assumed that Severus Snape, over all, never wanted to hear the words 'Tobias Snape' muttered again. _Ever_. So when Severus Snape was dawdling outside the Gryffindor common room waiting to bust some Gryffindor's and organise their detentions he needed to get something off his chest...

Snape, who had been sitting in front of the Gryffindor common room for hours –and hadn't acknowledged me once; the shame- shifted restlessly and spoke tearfully aloud, to himself I presume. "Daddy," he whimpered, pitifully. Eyes widening I tried to peer unsuccessfully out of my frame to look at him. Shifting past a group of monks I hid behind them, watching sneakily.

"Daddy!" He wailed again, placing a hand on his chest and beating his head against the wall.

"Uh...Severus?" A stern voice came out of the dark and McGonagall was there, placing a hand on his should tentatively. He shook her hand off and I saw her discreetly wipe at it on her robes.

"I wish my Daddy loved me," He whispered, spinning around and clasping McGonagall's hands in his. McGonagall tried to squirm away but he held her hands with an iron grip.

"Do you love me Minerva?"

McGonagall's eyes widened and she pulled away running down the corridor screaming something unintelligible. Snape looked on with sad eyes, a tear trickling down his cheek and dropping to the floor.

A silence.

"MY DADDY DOESN'T LOVE ME!"

* * *

**A/N:** _I'm not dead! Yay! So, any remarks, comments, suggestions? I'm running out of people! I have to look through HPL now for people! Ideas and people are more than welcome. I know we've all got those weird _"What if..."_'s. This chapter is credited to:_

**Dom-Jam**


	28. Dean Thomas

**Dean Thomas**

Dean was a pretty straight sort of bloke. He liked kissing girls, liked dating girls and was obviously straight in his sexuality. He liked girls. No one ever noticed how close he and his best friend Seamus seemed...

Dean was waiting impatiently by the common room. Rudely telling me to 'piss off' before he 'socked me' he tapped his foot impatiently. "Where the bloody hell is he? Stupid bloke is late again."

I was hit with a sudden flash of déjà vu and swallowed. Please, please, please no more gays in Gryffindor. Please, please, please, please, please, please...

"Dean!" Cried Seamus striding up to him. They stood awkwardly in front of each other, as if it was a first date.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please...

Dean slowly reached for Seamus' hand and they looked deep into the others eyes. "Dean," sighed Seamus, leaning in a bit closer, their faces only millimetres apart...

Oh god no.

* * *

_A/N: The déjà vu was talking about the Salazar Slytherin/Rowena Ravenclaw affairs! _


	29. Nymphadora Tonks

**Nymphadora Tonks**

She loved Remus Lupin with all her heart. They had a baby and were married before they died and everybody said Tonks didn't love anybody else...

I looked at the girl who sat below me, fidgeting merrily. If only she would stop moving so I could get a proper _rest_. Merlin. Nymphadora Tonks glanced up at me and winked. "I've heard about you, Fat Lady," she said happily.

_Fat _Lady! Who's she calling fat! No respect these days…

Tonks grinned at my look of indignity fury. She really couldn't seem to care less about the gory deaths I was imagining up for her at that time. I was rather partial to the dunking-her-in-a-vat-of-oil.

Suddenly she stood up and for a moment I thought she was going to leave. Happiness overwhelmed me before I saw that she was looking towards the _saviour _–some saviour- Harry Potter, who had an odd expression in his eyes.

Grinning Tonks crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up." Harry laughed loudly, the sound echoing in the halls.

Walking towards Tonks slowly Harry said, "Well, love, I was a bit distracted."

_Love?_

"Mhhmm?" Tonks said, as they stopped in front of each other. "Well, let's see if I can distract you further…"

Suddenly the collided, Harry's hands around Tonk's waist and their lips meshing together in a passionate kiss. I resisted the urge to throw up as Harry moaned loudly.

Somehow I _knew_ I should have stayed by the Hufflepuff common room or even the Ravenclaw one.

* * *

_Dedicated towards:_

**phoenixbird777**


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